Baby A had a heartbeat of 114 and Baby B had a heartbeat of 117. I can't say that I am surprised. I knew on transfer day when Dr. Kim told us the embryos were graded 4AA and 5AA that these babies were the ones. It hasn't been until the last few days that I really started to feel pregnant though. Even with our high beta numbers, I was worried because I didn't FEEL pregnant, and I almost wished I would have terrible morning sickness or tender boobs just for reassurance. But with each week, the nervousness settles. With a normal pregnancy, I wouldn't stress or worry this much. But this is not a normal pregnancy in the slightest. This pregnancy is special and I have been assigned the task to handle such special manners. No pressure lol. It may seem a little backwards but it's true. I not only have to worry about a pregnancy as I normally would, but I also have the added weight of the worry of the Intended Parents as well. The stakes are higher. I dread ever having to tell them bad news. Hopefully I won't ever have to. These feelings, in combination with the added pregnancy hormones have led to some crazy dreams lately too. In one dream, Tori called me to tell me my blood work showed I was miscarrying. I hated that dream so much, I had to wake myself up and try to go back to sleep with a happier dream in it's place. Another dream of mine was that someone was trying to sabotage the pregnancy by slipping a pill into my food that would cause a miscarriage. Last's night's dream was that we went for our ultrasound and it was triplets. So lots of scary dreams, but I don't ever put too much stock into dreams. I'm hoping those kinds of dreams go away when we enter the 2nd trimester.
The past week and a half has had several ups and downs, but not the kind in my dreams. We had our first ultrasound last Wednesday, where we were able to see the 2 sacks and tiny seed size babies. We were 5 weeks and 5 days and could see the flickering of a heartbeat with baby A, but baby B did not have a visible heartbeat at this point. That wasn't causae for concern though, and we sort of expected it since we were having all of our appointments a tad bit earlier than we should. I also got routine blood work done to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. After the appointment we had our traditional post appointment breakfast. I am now at the point where if I don't eat in time, I will feel sick. And then I regret ever wishing for morning sickness as a sign of pregnancy. Fortunately, no actual vomiting has taken place yet. I am very hesitant to get too excited about it being twins, because with my last surrogacy journey, it started out as twins but baby B stopped developing some time between week 6 and week 8. So I'm still holding my breath. Tori and Mikie know this too, and so we have talked about how if that ends up happening again with this pregnancy, we will still be happy to have the one baby. Our nurse, Vanessa, who does the ultrasounds for us though says that both babies seem to be doing good and we have a good chance of them continuing to grow. I know a lot of people are looking at me and expecting me to freak out about having to carry twins, but the truth of the matter is I am just so happy for Tori and Mikie that my fear of growing too big, being on bed rest, or 'ruining my body' is totally eclipsed by the miracle that this pregnancy and birth will be. Every stretch mark gained will be well earned, because the further along I go, the better chances the babies will have at being healthy. My goal is to carry at least to 35 weeks. Another reason why I am ready to embrace this twin pregnancy is because I dislike people doubting me. You say I can't possibly carry twins? Watch me. I have my goals set and I am determined to meet them. I don't like to be underestimated. In the words of Shakespeare, "though she be but little, she is fierce."
The bad news for the week came on Thursday afternoon. Ryan called me and delivered the news that he had just been laid off. With the Oil Industry circling the drain the last few months, he was lucky enough to survive the first 2 rounds of layoffs. Unfortunately, business had not picked up much, so they had to do a 3rd small round of layoffs. While it sucks that Ryan is now without a job, the most upsetting part of this news for me was the fact that we would now be without insurance coverage. Prior to matching, I had looked into my insurance policy and was reassured that a surrogacy pregnancy would be covered just as a normal pregnancy, which was great news because this would cut down the expenses of OB care and Delivery costs. A rough estimate of what it costs to pay out of pocket for a vaginal delivery without complications is about 10,000. Seeing as we are currently pregnant with twins, the expenses would increase, along with the risk of needing a c-section, so it may end up costing around 15,000 or more. We are looking into getting me covered through cobra, but I am also really hoping that Ryan can find a job very soon and that the job offers insurance coverage on the date of hire. Please cross your fingers that his job hunt is successful and that we regain insurance coverage very very soon. When Ryan told me the news, I knew it meant I would have to call Tori and tell her this. Again, I hate being bearer of bad news. I immediately called her and said "I don't know how to tell you this, but I bad news." She was fairly silent on her end, so I continued on. "Ryan just got laid off, so I no longer have insurance for the pregnancy." Still she was pretty silent. I began to talk about our options for Cobra and that Ryan was going to immediately start looking for new jobs. After we got off the phone, Tori sent me a text to apologize for being so silent, but her heart had dropped into her stomach when I told her I had bad news because she thought I was calling to tell her I was losing the babies. I immediately felt so guilty. It did not even cross my mind that a miscarriage would be her first thought. So when it is put into perspective that way, the loss of a job is not as bad as the loss of the pregnancy and we are still so blessed to have the baby girls still growing in me.
I weighed myself recently and am at 103.5 lbs. I usually never go over 102lbs. Also, since I wasn't able to workout like I normally did, I have noticed I already have a small stomach pudge. I have been cleared to resume normal activity now, but am going to ease back into working out. So far my pregnancy symptoms have been: Nausea, tiredness, food aversions, and shortness of breath. I even get short of breath just by talking. During a skype chat with someone, I was getting short of breath but trying not to let it show because it seems a little silly to be out of breath and I'm not even close to being big lol. Its like my body is not using the oxygen the same as it was before. So I can imagine this may make my workouts a little difficult too. I also had to change my med protocol just a little bit. Instead of taking my Estrace pills 3 times a day by mouth, Dr, Kim switched it to vaginal. The pills are blue, so I get blue/turquoise goo. How lovely. But like I said before, I am pretty honest and open about everything involved in this process. So now it constantly looks like I banged a smurf. The meds haven't been too bad this go-around, but I will be doing a happy dance the day I get to stop meds.
Over the weekend, Tori and I went to hobby lobby and picked out some fabric for me to reupholster a vanity chair that has been in my family for about 10 years, but wasn't currently being used. I thought would be perfect for a girls nursery. Yesterday I went ahead and knocked it all out. I think it turned out pretty cute, and can't wait to see the whole nursery put together. Tori also bought me a few new yoga pants this weekend so that her babies had a little more room to breathe and grow lol. I have graduated from a size XS to a size S. I wonder what size I will be in by the end of the pregnancy?!
I'm still trying to find a job as well, but it seems like even more of a difficult and daunting task now that we know it is twins. I can't imagine any employer would be jumping up and down at the thought of hiring me, knowing that I will have several doctors appointments throughout the pregnancy, and the risk of early delivery and difficult recovery. There is just no sugar coating it, I am not at the top of the list for desirable employees. And this makes me kind of sad. I need an income too. I know there are laws that are suppose to protect women from discrimination such as this, but this is the reality of life. I can't MAKE anyone hire me. So I will just keep applying at different places until someone gives me a yes. A sad realization I had about the way life works was when someone close to me actually used my pregnancy as a reason for why I might not be a good person for them to recommend for a job position that they had a lot of influence over. If it weren't for the fact that I was pregnant, she more than likely would not have hesitated for a second to recommend me for the position. If those we love can't even give us pregnant women the fair treatment we deserve, then how can I expect complete strangers to either. If you are in a position of power where you have a say in who gets hired or not, I ask you to reflect on your choices and not discriminate against women who are expecting. Yes we get morning sickness or extremely tired at times, require time off for appointments and delivery, but a pregnancy doesn't last forever and we have bills to pay too. So please just keep that in mind.
We will continue to go every Monday for our ultrasounds until the end of June, and then we will be released to my OB! In a few weeks, Ryan and I have plans for a small summer vacation to Canyon Lake, and have invited Tori and Mikie to join us for the weekend too. I am excited and looking forward to having (safe) fun out on the water. Who knows, this may be the last time I look decent in a 2 piece bikini! A quick reminder too that the benefit is going to be held in August! So if you have items to donate for the auction, plan on being a team for the cookoff, or just being in attendance to eat, drink, and celebrate the pregnancy with us, then let us know! We cannot wait. Yall have been such wonderful support and encouragement.
Jade
