POAS and Beta Results!

I apologize if many of y'all have been waiting for results. The 2 week wait is very taunting. Luckily, Dr. Kim had told us we could come in early, around day 9 post transfer for our first beta. During that time I have been peeing on sticks like crazy, starting on day 1.75dp5dt and every day after that, looking for the slightest sign of a positive. On day 4 I finally received a pee stick that looked like it might have a slight squinter of a positive second line. I wasn't 100% sure, and didn't want to say anything to Tori until I knew for sure, so I waited till the afternoon, hoping my HCG levels would increase a little throughout the day. A surro friend of mine had sent me some left over digital pregnancy tests so I decided to give one of those a try, not really expecting it to be positive yet since it was so early, but hoping that maybe it would be. I took the stick to the bathroom and did the deed. I decided to pull out my phone while the test was processing and video it, and I am so glad I did because after a few minutes, the words "pregnant 1-2 weeks" popped up on the screen and so I was able to capture my genuine excited response and immediately sent it to Tori, who had been waiting for any kind of news. I sent it to her via text and waited for her response. It took her about 40 minutes to reply, which had me practically dying with anticipation. I began to wonder if she was frozen in shock, or fainted, or if she just hadn't seen it yet, until finally she responded with just a flurry of "OMGs". I continued to take tests every morning of each passing day and watched as each one got darker and darker. Ryan started to get tired of seeing all my pee sticks. I keep them in a baggie in my night stand. Yeah, that's not creepy or obsessive or anything, right? lol. I gave HFI a call to schedule our blood draw for Monday and had to go the rest of the week and weekend with my game face on. I didn't want to give anyone any clues, which was a tad bit hard, but manageable. I have a pretty good game face but was ready for Monday to roll around. When I told Ryan, we were just casually laying in bed watching TV and I said "babe, I'm pregnant". He response was a very dull, "yeah I hope so." I didn't correct him or tell him that I was being serious. Instead I sent him a dubsmash video of me holding the positive pregnancy test and saying "surprise, motha fucka!" When he got it he just laughed and turned over and kissed me, then asked me if I had told Tori yet because he loves being the first one to tell people exciting news. Luckily I had beat him to it this time!

I told y'all I was a POAS-aholic

I continued my week as normal, taking my final exams for school, going to work, taking my meds and getting my shots, etc. As far as pregnancy symptoms go, I haven't felt much of a change just yet. I felt a few twinges around day 2 and 3 after transfer, which I assumed was possibly implantation. I had no spotting or cramping, which were both reassuring signs, but other than that, everything has been pretty quiet. No nausea or tender breasts just yet. I can't remember when it was I started to notice pregnancy symptoms with my last one, but like that say, every pregnancy is different so maybe baby fisher is just being really nice to me?! lol Only time will tell. I have noticed though that my appetite has increased. I went to a dinner at Benihana's and almost completely cleaned my plate, which rarely happens. I usually always have left overs to bring home.It seems like every meal time ends with a clean plate now. Whoops! Maybe it's just a mental thing though. But if I continue to eat this way, then I can bet this will likely be my biggest pregnancy yet. I gained 30 lbs total with Hayden and only 20 lbs with Jaden. I'd like to stick under 30 lbs with this pregnancy too, unless its twins, in which case I may need to try and gain 35 to 40 lbs.

Finally Monday arrived. Hayden was not feeling well so I didn't take him to daycare that day. We had a very rough night with Hayden awake the majority of the night in some serious pain.n wanted to move, so it was a good thi He hardly even wanted to move, so it was a good thing Tori was there to hold him and baby him, because I definitely didn't need to be lifting him. We were in and out of the office in no time. All I had to do was get my blood drawn very quickly, asked about my butt because I seemed to be having an allergic reaction to the PIO meds, which seems to be pretty common, your body can develop antibodies to the meds over time, and then we headed to Chik-fil-a to eat breakfast and wait for the phone call with our results. I could tell Mikie was nervous, and understandably so. He had no idea I had been getting positive pee tests because he didn't want the false hope. Hayden slept the whole time we were at breakfast, and the three of us chit chatted until finally the nurse called and told Tori the news. My beta was 587 and I was definitely pregnant! Hooray! This was very awesome news, even though I knew it would be positive, it was still great to hear those numbers. We scheduled our second beta for Wednesday morning. Betas are expected to double every 48 hours so by Wednesday my numbers should be in the 1,000s. We still didn't want to announce the news to anyone until after second beta results. Again, this is totally understandable and well advised because you're not considered 'in the clear' till after the first trimester is over. It is very hard and emotionally draining to announce positive news and then if something bad happens, to have people constantly asking how things are going and have to deliver the bad news over and over again. Hopefully that will not happen this time around. Even so, there is just no way we could hold the news in for that long lol.

 The adorable pregnancy announcement board

Wednesday was like a deja vu of Monday, except minus Hayden because he was actually feeling much better and at daycare this time. Tori brought me some of her benadryl cream for my toosh too. We went in early in the morning for blood work, went to chick-fil-a to eat breakfast and waited for results. We even sat in the same exact booth, I guess for good luck lol. The call came in and second beta was at 1120. Right on track. Now our next appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday for an ultrasound to do bean count! We may or may not be able to see/hear heartbeats because it is still pretty early, but we should be able to at least see if there are one or two babies in there. If it is a singleton, our due date will be Jan. 23rd and if it is twins then our due date will be sometime in Dec. I am very excited for this next appointment. For Tori and Mikie, this is all new territory because they didn't make it this far with their previous transfers. I am hoping the good news continues on. When we do finally have an ultrasound with heartbeat confirmation, then I should be allowed to resume normal activity. I have missed the gym so so much. I won't start off again working out as hard or as long as I was prior to the transfer, but I do intend to work myself up to a healthy, manageable, and satisfying routine. I am much happier when I get that endorphin release from a good workout. Ryan will also be happy because, as many of y'all may not know, the life of a surro husband can be a bit of a drag at times. There are restrictions on intimate activity usually until heartbeat confirmation, and sometimes even a few weeks prior to transfer, or even longer than heartbeat confirmation. And then of course later down the road there are the postpartum restrictions as well. Although he gets a bit whiny towards the end, he is pretty good at waiting for the green light. Sorry if this is TMI but it is a fact about surro life and I like to try to remain pretty transparent about what goes into being a surrogate or the husband/child of a surrogate because it does affect the whole family. I suppose I should start taking progression shots of my belly as it grows. I am really interested to see if I will carry any differently since a lot of people say boy and girl bellies look different. I am so little, I don't think my body has much of an option of how to carry the baby/babies lol. 

Thanks again every one for your sticky vibes and baby dust, prayers and well wishes. Hopefully Tori and Mikie can close that IVF chapter for good and we can move on to the OB and pregnancy chapter. I know it won't feel like it on some nights, but these next 8 months are going to fly by. I will be roughly 16 wks pregnant at the benefit in August, which will be great to have a belly at that time. Lets all continue to think positively as we move forward! So far all the positive thinking has worked! Grow, baby/babies, Grow!

Transfer day and Bed Rest

All last week had been building up so much excitement and emotions for transfer day. We knew the transfer would take place on Thursday, but we didn't know the exact time yet. Wednesday I received the call from the clinic to arrive at 9:30am to the Piney Point location, with Ibuprofen, 2 water bottles, a top and bottom outfit (since I would be removing my bottoms) and socks to help keep me warm. Transfer would take place at 10:30am. I notified Tori immediately and began to pick out all my stuff. I pulled out my comfy, favorite workout pants, and the green HFI Katy shirt from the Resolve Walk of Hope that we had all 3 planned to wear as our matching good luck t-shirts. I was also hunting for some matching green good luck socks, but apparently a little gremlin  who likes to steal mommy's socks had taken my only pair of green ones and wore a hole in them... so those were out of the question. I swear that boy is a sock thief. I do not understand how mommy's socks are better than his, but for some reason he swears they are and always steals them and ruins them. My next best sock option was to wear hot pink ones since we knew the embryos were girls. I also decided to paint my finger nails and toes nails pink. Hayden always asks me to paint his nails too whenever I do mine. It doesn't bother me, but it drives Ryan crazy, which almost makes me enjoy it more. I don't really care what people think about my son's toes being painted. He likes it and I like making him happy. I'm sure eventually he will outgrow it, but for now I am enjoying the time spent with him and look forward to future stories that I will get to tell his girlfriends, wife, and kids one day and embarrass him with. I worked Wednesday night so I  made sure to drink a smoothie with some pineapple in it. I have heard that eating pineapple prior to IVF is another good luck superstition, because it supposedly has enzymes that help with implantation. I am glad I thought to drink it in a smoothy rather than eat pineapple by itself because I am not a big pineapple fan. Also at work, we have a dry erase board where we write notes such as who needs what days off. This is was my day off requests look like.... #surrolife!

The morning of the transfer, Tori and Mikie came to pick me up. I was trying to get myself ready and do my make up since I knew we would most likely snap some pictures throughout the day, and had to get Hayden off to daycare. Unfortunately, Hayden was not having a very good morning. He was upset that mommy had washed his new shoes. They were all dirty from being at the farm that weekend, but had not finished drying. Nana was going to drop him off at school for me, but he said no, he only wanted mommy to drop him off. I tried to explain to him that mommy really did not want to run late because today was the big day that the babies would be put inside mommy's tummy. He looked at me from the bed as soon as I said this and asked "Why do they need TWO babies?" I told him "They don't NEED two babies, it is just how many we are going to try to put in  mommy's belly and hope they stick. It may be two or it may be just one, but either way it will be Tori and Mikie's baby/babies" This answer seemed to satisfy him.  I am guessing he got worried for a second that if it were two babies that one would come home with us, haha. Oh, my spoiled little only child. He is so happy with the status quo of our family dynamics. After that convo, we all loaded up in Tori and Mikie's car and drove Hayden to daycare. In the car, Hayden noticed the basket of goodies that Tori had put together for me as my transfer gift. She really hit the nail on the head with her purchases. The basket contained several pregnancy tests, some super cute workout shirts and a blingy water bottle, a dressy top, a polka dot dress, a stuffed kangaroo with a little roo in it's pouch (symbolic of a book about surrogacy), sour patch straws (my favorite kind of candy) and some gum. Tori's mom had also got hayden an alligator t-shirt from Australia. I also presented Tori with her transfer gift, which was a charm that reads "For this Child I have Prayed" along with a tiny pink elephant to represent the girl embryos.

From there, it is was off to Houston, fighting traffic and watching Mikie stress over being late. Bless his heart, he seemed so anxious you would have thought it was about to be him up on that table with people probing his privates lol.We ended up NOT being late. In fact we arrived to our exit half an hour early, so we stopped and grabbed some Chik-fil-A for breakfast. We chatted about how things would happen at the clinic, since this was my first time using their clinic and each clinic has their own protocol. For example, my previous clinic would only allow 1 person to go back with me for the transfer and it was a tiny room, with only the doctor and his assistant and the embryologist through a window. I also was not required to take a Valium, whereas HFI clinic allowed up to 3 people to go back in the room, which was much larger and had several staff members all around (seriously, like 5 other people), and their protocol involved taking a Valium. I initially wanted to opt out of the Valium, but most of the things I had heard about it weren't bad. They said it would help relax me for the procedure, as well as relax my uterine muscles. The procedure is not very painful, but I was worried about how I might act on Valium. I prefer to be consciously aware and remember everything, so that I feel more in control. I also asked Tori how much of me everyone might see. I am not very shy when it comes to clinical procedures, but with Mikie being in the room too, I wanted to be able to mentally prepare myself to be exposed to so many new people all at once. At my previous clinic, I was stripped from the waist down and it was all pretty much out there on display. I remember how cold the room was and how my body was involuntarily shaking. It doesn't take long though to put the embryos in so I wasn't freezing forever. Tori assured me I would be pretty well covered, and she was right!.... I think lol. We finished breakfast and made it to the clinic right on time. Mikie dropped us off at the door and parked in the garage while Tori and I headed upstairs to check in. I had been sipping on my first water bottle the whole ride and was beginning to feel rather full. Tori needed to use the restroom and asked if I wanted to use the restroom too. I initially said no, since I would need a full bladder for the transfer, but then she pointed out that they don't want me too uncomfortably full and that we had a whole hour to refill my bladder with bottle #2, so I went ahead and relieved myself. We sat in the waiting room, took a few selfies, and were expecting to settle in and wait, but then a nurse came and called me back. I thought to myself, holy crap, I'm not even near having a full bladder now! Better start chugging! She took me back to a tiny room first, where we went over paperwork, took my ibuprofen and Valium, and got me dressed in the patient garb, which consisted of a standard hospital gown, booties, and a hair net. Once I was all settled, Tori and Mikie came to the room to get their outfit on, which was a full on jumpsuit, booties, and gown. I was hoping to have a few more minutes in this new patient holding area to fill my bladder, but nope! Dr. Kim arrived, showed us the beautiful embryos that we were going to transfer (Graded 4AA and 5AA!), explained the procedure a little, and asked if I was ready to go. I told him I didn't feel quite full yet, and proceeded to chug the entire second bottle of water in front of all the nurses and staff as they surrounded us and waited to escort us into the room. They looked at me and said "oh, you're going to be feeling that water after the procedure, just wait, it will hit you" Oh great lol. Dr. Kim was really great though and assured me that he would work with whatever I had in my bladder. Whew!

As I walk into the room, with my backside towards the door they tell me to drop the blanket that was wrapped around my waist and hop up on the table. I obliged, but they hadn't shut the door yet since more staff members were entering and so I am pretty sure a lot of other people out in the hallway caught a glimpse of my incredibly tiny toosh. whoops! I climb up on the table and they start to get me ready by placing my legs in the stirrups, wrapping my legs in warm blankets, raising my gown to what I think was my stomach area? (I couldn't see much while lying down) and then laid more warm blankets across my arms, detached the bottom portion of the bed where Dr. Kim would sit to do the procedure, and angled the bed with my head lowered. I am not too certain, but I think a lot more of me was visible than I anticipated, based on what Tori had told me, but it would be silly of me to think I could make it through the whole procedure without being somewhat exposed. Since I couldn't tell if I was exposed or not, I didn't feel too uncomfortable, but I hope Tori and Mikie weren't uncomfortable, if so. You always wonder where to direct your gaze... kind of like Medusa, you can't stare at it, but you can't NOT stare at it lol. They put the ultrasound gel on my tummy, looked around for a little while to get an optimal view, and then it was go time. The catheters were inserted and we could see on the ultrasound monitor the white dot where the baby fisher embryos would come out of the tube and enter my uterus/their hopefully new home. I looked over at Tori and Mikie to make sure they were doing ok. They were holding hands and Tori just smiled at me. It reminded me so much of when I was in labor with my first surrobaby, Jaden, and his mom was up by my shoulder too, anxiously awaiting to meet her son. Parallel moments forever engrained into my memory. Once they were in, I was cleaned up, transferred to a rolling bed, and wheeled into a recovery room, where doctor Kim told me to lay for about 20 minutes. This is when my bladder finally started to feel full, and when the Valium seemed to kick in.

I'm not sure if we were actually back there for 20 minutes or if the Valium made it feel shorter, but time flew! Dr, Kim popped back in to check on us, told me I was clear to get up and go potty if I needed to, and wished us good luck. We discussed doing blood work at day 9 and I mentioned how my HCG levels were usually pretty high, especially since my last IVF was initially twins. He told me that asians actually tend to have higher HCG levels in general, which I thought was some pretty darn neat information. Then I told him "Thanks for knocking me up!" and we all giggled. Another nurse came by and told us we were free to leave so Mikie and Tori exited the room/curtain to let me dress in private. Standing up vertically really made me need to pee, so I ducked around the curtain and asked the first staff member where the restroom was. It was this sweet adult male nurse, and he linked arms with me and began to walk me towards the restroom. I must have looked at him with a puzzled expression, because he explained to me how he was holding on to me so I wouldn't fall since the Valium had be a little drunk. I hadn't felt loopy until he mentioned it, and then it somehow suddenly became aware to me that I was feeling a bit loopy. I came out of the bathroom and they had a wheelchair waiting for me to sit in and take me to the car. Once we left, I reminded Mikie and tori of yet another superstition to eat some McDonalds french friends after the transfer. I told Mikie to just order a small because I didn't really feel too hungry, but he went ahead and got a large and a scarfed them down! Valium munchies? Is that a thing? lol

I don't remember much of the car ride home. I don't think I fell asleep, but my memory is just a little spotty. We arrived to Tori and Mikie's house to drop Mikie off and I went inside to use the restroom again. Tori claims I was walking a bit wobbly, but I don't remember it that way lol. I thought I was doing I mighty fine job of walking straight, but I'll trust her memory over mine in this case. Tori and I loaded back up in the car and headed home to spend the day in bed, relaxing. I was slightly dreading best rest for 3 days, since my last clinic did not require any bed rest whatsoever, just 'light duty'. I hate being cooped up in bed all day but orders are orders, and I at least had Tori to keep me company the first day. I wanted to take a nap but couldn't really fall asleep so I watched 7 episodes of Orange is the New Black on Netflix until I finally started to doze off. Ryan and Hayden returned home and it woke me up. Tori told Hayden the babies had been transferred into my belly now, and so he came over to my side of the bed to lift my shirt and look and gently love on my belly. He is just too darn sweet sometimes. Other times I swear he is the spawn of Satan, but usually when it involves babies in mommy's belly, he is a total sweetheart. Friday I was on my own for bed rest. Kristina stopped by the house and brought me a breakfast taco, and then I was back to being alone in my bed. That night as I was laying in bed with Ryan watching basketball, Ryan randomly hops up and starts to throw his clothes on. "I'll be right back, don't worry about where I am going" he says. Umm ok? As his wife, I have learned to just roll with things and let Ryan be weird. He shows up 15 minutes later with a big ass ice cream cake from marble slab, It had "Get Preggo" written on it and was just the cutest, sweetest thing he's done for me in while. He can come off as a big jerk, but he is truly an awesome guy who knows how to treat his wife right. I love it.  Hayden and I each had a big slice before bed. It sort of a pregnancy tradition for me to eat copious amounts of marble slab ice cream. When I was pregnant  with Hayden, I would eat roughly 3 pints of marble slab ice cream per week, finishing each pint off in a single night. I am not sure how I did not explode into a ball of fat! Good genes, I guess. Thanks mom!

Today, Tori came into town again and we went to Kristina's house to hang out and I got to love on Hutch while they went shopping at target. Tori came back with yet another back of awesome workout clothes for me. Either I am too predictable, or she is just really good at gift giving! I was feeling pretty tired again, and decided I'd like to return to my bed, as much as I hate being alone, to rest. I am not sure if I am feeling anything pregnancy wise yet. Sometimes I think I feel spasms or twinges in my stomach, but it could just be gas pains lol. Or I think the tiredness could be a sign too, but I am a nap-taker anyways so that won't work as a tell take sign either. I had some slight nausea this morning too, but again, it could just be a side effect of the medications I am on since I was experiencing nausea 2 days prior to the transfer as well. I will continue to pay close attention to my body, and begin peeing on sticks, while we anxiously await for blood draw to get beta numbers. I won't be confirming or denying a pregnancy until Tori and Mikie announce anything, so y'all will just have to wait and see!! please continue to send all your sticky vibes and baby dust, and think positive!!

Also, we would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has offered items and services for the benefit we are planning. The date has had a few changes, to allow us more time to prepare, and so make sure it doesn't coincide with other cookoffs in the area at the same time since we want the benefit to be as successful as possible! Here is one of the items from The Chunky Funky/ Kristy Hebert. Super cute Team Baby Fisher Koozies! They are for sale for $8 and 50% of the profit will go to the Team Baby Fisher fund to help pay for all the medical expenses; past, present, and future. They are seriously so cute, but hopefully I won't be able to use them for another 9+ months unless it is to keep my root beer cold!

Also, if you would like to donate money to the GofundMe page the link is http://www.gofundme.com/teambabyfisher

Thank you all again for your outpouring of love and support!

Transfer Week is Upon Us!

Each day closer to Thursday (transfer day) builds up more and more excitement! I have been taking estrace pills, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, and started the Progesterone shots on Saturday. So far they haven't been too bad. I use a 22 gauge, 1 1/2 inch needle, and the oil is so thick I can feel Ryan's hands shaking when he is trying to push the medicine in. After a while my butt will get sore or bruised, but the pain and discomfort is only for a short while. So long as it results in a successful pregnancy, the shots will never bother me. I can tell my hormones are going crazy, though! I've never had the best complexion, but I feel like a teenager who just hit puberty. Ugh! Not attractive, but whatever lol. I'm already married so I don't have to worry too much about my looks, haha!

I love saying out loud to people that I am getting pregnant on Thursday because it always results in this bewildered look until I explain the situation. When you think about it though, it is pretty neat knowing exactly how old any resulting babies will be. Science has it down to where we can know exactly how many days old the embryos are, and I get to know the exact date that I became pregnant. Yay, go science!

But with the excitement comes the worry too. I worry that the transfer won't result in a successful pregnancy, and that Tori and Mikie will want to give up without having anything to show for all of their efforts. I want this so badly for them. Tori has expressed some doubt about whether the transfer will be successful on the first try either due to some comments and conversations on support group pages. I always try to stay positive and told her not to compare our journey to anyone else's. Some of those people may have been using older eggs, or transferred eggs of lower quality, etc. There is no winning combination for how to guarantee a successful transfer/pregnancy. We all just try the best we can and hope for the best results. Just out of curiosity, I decided to post a poll question on my Surrogate support group and got some very positive feedback!

We announced about a week ago that we are working on putting together a fundraising event in June. The plan is to have a cook-off, raffle drawing, and auction. I ask that if any of y'all work at a business that might be willing to contribute an item, or like to participate as a team in the cook-off to please contact us and let us know. We have already had some great responses and we truly appreciate the outpouring of love and support. Hopefully by the time of the fundraiser I will have a little baby bump starting to form and any money raised can go to past fertility treatment costs rather than future ones.

I take my final exams next week so I will be done with school and can hopefully focus on getting/being pregnant without all this extra worry piling up on me. At the same time though, I need to get a full time job, and preferably ASAP because I know how difficult it can be to get a job when you are visibly pregnant. Even though employers are not suppose to discriminate against expecting mothers, it still happens. I would love to land a great full time job that pays well, offers good hours for a mom with a young child, and is also supportive of the surrogacy journey. So if anyone knows of anyone hiring, please let me know!

I got Tori a transfer gift today. Hayden helped me pick it out, but y'all cannot see any pictures of the gift until after the transfer. I'd like to keep it a surprise. Tori also said she has a transfer gift basket for me, and I hope it is stuffed full of pee sticks. I already have two pee sticks waiting, but you can never really have enough! I plan to start peeing on day 3 post transfer, but won't be able to share any news until beta #s or confirmed heartbeat, based on the wishes of Mikie and Tori. A lot of people without these struggles tend to announce the news of a pregnancy as soon as it is discovered, blissfully unaware that something could happen early on in a pregnancy, which is why now that I am more aware of such heartaches, I advise people to wait until they are out of the woods to announce a pregnancy. Especially given Tori and Mikie's past experiences, false hope can almost kill you. We must hope for the best but plan for the worst.

So everyone, remember to send those sticky vibes and baby dust our way on Thursday.

All Aboard the Crazy Hormone Train!

Hi Everyone!

I swear, I get more and more excited with each new blog post.

So everything is moving right along. After my initial ultrasound/screening appointment, I had to return for a second ultrasound on Friday, (4/10). This ultrasound was a slightly different ultrasound than the first. It is known as a SIS, which stands for Saline-Infused Sonography, also known as a sonohysterogram. Basically it is an ultrasound in which sterile water is pushed into my uterine cavity and allows the doctor to get a better look at my lining. I had one done with my first surrogacy so the procedure was vaguely familiar, but that was also roughly three years ago so I was a bit fuzzy on the details. The receptionist, nurse, and doctor all warned me that there would be cramping and slight pain, and boy were they right. As soon as the nurse pushed those first few ounces of fluid into my uterine cavity, I immediately felt crampy, sweaty, and like I could throat punch everyone in the room. Of course I would never actually do that, but when you are in pain, those ideas do flash across your mind. I tried my best to mask my discomfort and put on a strong face. I briefly wished I had Tori or Ryan there to hold my hand through it, but I knew I needed to be tough and that the pain was only temporary. Tori really wanted to be there too, but her work was very crazy busy that day so she sadly had to miss it. Being a surrogate, I try to be strong throughout everything. I signed up for this, so I can get through it. Yes, things are going to hurt and get super uncomfortable, but I push through it because I know that if a pregnancy is achieved, it will have all been worth it. Blood draws are no big deal. Injections into my butt every night with a 1 and a half inch needle filled with thick progesterone in oil are no big deal. These things are all minor in my mind because they are necessary to becoming pregnant, and so I will do them as many times as I need because that is my duty! I'm not saying it is easy, but I can, I have, and I will do it, because this is what I love. After the doctor got his look at my lining, he told me everything looked good. I asked Dr. Kim "So when you say good, do you mean good as in alright, or good as in great?" I know there probably isn't much of a difference, but it puts my mind at ease to know the difference lol. He laughed and told me "Great" so I hoped off the table, got dressed, and immediately sent Tori a text to let her know. I also sent her a few candid photos of the appointment, which included a picture of Dr. Kim peering over the sheet while my legs were up on the stirrups and a big shiny light on my lady bits. Yes, I am one of those people. I have no shame and wanted to make sure Tori felt like she didn't miss anything. When I asked Dr. Kim to smile for a pic, he looked at me with a puzzled expression and was like "uhhhh....now? you want a pic now?" I told him "sure, why not!?" like, doesn't everyone take pics of their doctor with their crotch in his face? haha ok maybe I am weird but thats ok. I then told him to say cheese, to which he awkwardly obliged. It was hilarious. I really love Tori and Mikie's Clinic and doctor and am so grateful they have such a warm relationship with all of us.It makes the journey slightly less difficult knowing that everyone cares as much as you do about the success.You have to take these small, funny moments as often as you can.

 SIS Selfies

Not surrogacy related, but I went back to my orthopedic doctor on Wednesday and cut placed in a short arm cast! So I know have use of my elbow. I should get the cast off completely next Wednesday. I was so pumped to be freed from that awful long arm cast that I have been putting in some great workouts lately. Of course all I can really work on are my legs, back, and abs, but I'll take it! Working out makes me feel so great, both physically and mentally. 

The following Friday (4/17) was a busy day. I had to very quickly pop in to the HFI clinic for the baseline ultrasound and blood work. Everything looked great once again. My lining was thin and my ovaries where quite. After the ultrasound, I drove to Memorial City to meet Tori, Mikie, and Ryan for our psych evaluation with Leslee Murphy. I used Leslee for my previous psych evaluations and I just love her. She is so friendly and nice. Tori and Mikie were a bit nervous, so I tried to calm their fears by assuring them that there are no wrong answers and that Leslee's role is just to play devil's advocate and bring up questions to make you think about how you might handle possible situations and that we have discussed important issues to make sure we are all on the same page to prevent possible conflict down the road. Tori and Mikie went first, then Ryan and I, then we all 4 went in together. Leslee said several times how she was so impressed with our relationship and that she hopes we continue to be open and honest throughout the whole journey. If I am being honest, it was almost like an ego boost, hearing her compliment us. I mean, I already knew that Tori and Mikie are great and that this journey is going to be more on the level of friendship, but hearing it from someone else was pretty awesome.We discussed things like what I would be called by any resulting child/ren. I am most comfortable being called Auntie Jade or just Jade. I may sometimes refer to myself as the surromom or tummy mummy, but it is not because I feel like the mom at all. It is just the only words really to simply describe our unique situation. I am a mom, but only to my son Hayden. I am proud of my surrogate babe, Jaden, but do not feel so some attachments as I do to my own child or my nephews, etc. It is a totally different mindset, and one that I am at peace with.

 Mikie, Tori, Myself, and Ryan at the HFI clinic. Finally a group pic of the 4 of us!

After our psych evaluation, we all went to lunch at Lupe Tortillas. It was a great way to unwind from the stress of the morning and to loosen our belt and be ourselves. Even though we have known each other for a while, I really felt the friendship deepening. We weren't trying so hard to impress one another anymore, it was just coming naturally and I think we all breathed a sigh of relief for it. After lunch, we all headed back to the clinic to sign the last bit of waivers and I received my calendar and was cleared to start meds on Monday. Our transfer date was initally set for May 14th, but with some slight persistence and bugging on my part, we were able to knock everything out and get started on meds sooner, moving our transfer date up to Thursday, May 7th! Sounds like a perfect day to get pregnant to me!

This past Sunday marked the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. Tori invited me to walk with her at the Resolve Walk of Hope fundraiser. It was a perfect day and we had such a great time at the event. We signed up to walk with HFI and got shirts, which happen to be green, so they will be perfect lucky green shirts for us to wear to the transfer. Tori brought along her niece, Audrina, and she is such a cutie pie. It was so apparent by the way she is around her niece that Tori will be an excellent mother, without a doubt. At the event I also ran into my previous egg donation coordinator and had a nice quick chat. My previous agency workers were also at the event, but I didn't bump into them, which was kind of a bummer because I would have loved to have introduced them to Tori. They are so very supportive of this upcoming journey and check in on me regularly. I love how everyone in the industry has such big hearts. It is great to build these relationships with people, and I am so thankful for having met such amazing people through egg donation and surrogacy.

 Tori and I at the Resolve Walk of Hope

Speaking of amazing friends and supporters, in an effort to help cut down costs and save Tori and Mikie a little money, I reached out to my fellow surrogate friends via facebook and had a few great ladies offer their unused meds for me to use. (Tori also gave me her leftover meds as well) These ladies are so great and I am so lucky to have them for advise and things like this. I love my support groups more than anything! The ladies are truly awesome.I just HAVE to brag about them.

I started estrace pills on Monday and within 24 hours I felt as though my ovaries had turned into water balloons, about to burst. luckily this only lasted about a day, and things appear to have returned to normal. I have had a few headaches throughout the week as well, but I am unsure if it is related to the medicine or just from normal, everyday things, such as school. Fortunately I graduate in May so I won't have to sit through any lecures for much longer. Ryan wants me to get a full time job then also, which I am excited about, but I am also worried about finding a job while possibly pregnant. I know some employers frown upon hiring a pregnant lady, even though legally they can't discriminate. I just hope I find  great job, that pays well, adn can accept and appreciate the fact that I am also a surrogate who may very well become pregnant and therefore require days off for appointments or maternity leave. I hope that isn't too much to ask for. I guess I will find out soon! If not, I am perfectly happy with my only 'job' being to grow a baby and be a stay at home mom to Hayden, although I am sure Ryan might feel differently about that lol. He is ready for me to contribute financially on a full time basis, and I can't really blame him. He was been an incredibly supportive husband and father for the past 5 years while I attended school, completed a surrogacy journey, and then pumped for 14 months. He knows it makes me happy, so it makes him happy. How did I get so lucky!

With the help of my sister-in-law and Tori's close friend Kristina Boyd, I set up a GoFundMe account to raise money for Tori and Mikie. Our goal is $10,000, and while this may seem like a lofty number, it is only a fraction of the expenses related to infertility treatments. The number one barrier to infertility treatments is cost. Many insurances have exclusions specifically for the treatment of infertility issues, meaning everything done has to be paid for completely by the patients. These costs add up very quickly, so I ask you all to please find it in your hearts to make a donation, big or small. I would really love to lessen the financial burden for Tori and Mike. "No one has ever become poor by giving" -Anne Frank. I am a big believer in karma and am so very amazed at the generosity of several people. An anonymous donor tonight gifted $500!!! My only words are WOW. just, wow!! Big Big hugs to that person. They have a heart of gold. But even though $500 for most people is not possible, we are just as appreciate for $5. You would be surprised how quickly those small donations can add up!! And we are determined to not stop until we reach our goal. If you would like to make a donation, here is the link! http://www.gofundme.com/teambabyfisher

Thank you again to all of our supporters and friends. We cannot wait till May 7th!!

First Date with the Weenie Wand

Hey Everyone!

I am so excited to type this new post because there has actually been progress now! We are out of limbo land and moving forward one giant leap at a time! Those who know me well, know that I am a planner. I like to be prepared, to know whats coming next, what could go wrong or right, and how I would respond to any scenario. Planning ahead calms me. I like to feel in control as much as possible, even though I know full control is impossible. My last blog post is proof in itself that I can't control everything, as much as I would like, and that is okay sometimes.... but for now I have my fingers crossed for no more craziness or deviations from the plan.

When I left off on my last post we were waiting for my period to come so that I could go in for screening. I apologize to any men who may be reading my blog, although I doubt any men really do.... if I am wrong, please comment and make me aware of your manly presence. It won't change anything. I will still speak freely about whatever comes to mind, so you'll just have to get accustomed to it. Ladies, you should already be accustomed to talk of such things so I'm not even worried about y'all! Anyway, continuing on.... I was waiting on my period and had to receive a prescription for Provera to jump-start it. During that time in limbo land, I was invited to an 80's themed surprise birthday party at a skating rink for my older sister, Kayla. Wow, that is a mouth full. She was definitely surprised and the party was great! She has some truly awesome friends who obviously love her very much for throwing such a great party in her honor. I went for the 80's grunge look, kind of like Kristen Stewart in the move The Runaways. I didn't want to do the overplayed sweat shirt, sideways pony tail and neon leggings look, plus I'm all for doing whatever is easiest. I was having a very fun time up until we got out on the skate floor and I completely ate shit. I used to be a pretty good skater as a child. My cousin, Ashley, would take me to the skate rink often when I was around 11 or 12. I figured it would be like riding a bike and that my natural ability would just come back after a few trips around the rink.... boy was I wrong. My overconfidence was most definitely my downfall. But I didn't just fall. My feet went up in front of me and I was airborne for what felt like eternity before I came crashing down on my backside. Seeing as I am a planner type of person, I had already mentally planned out in my head what I would do if I were to fall. Since I have a tiny little asian booty with not much meat on it, coupled with the fact that I had my phone in my pocket, I decided to try and break my fall with my arms. Bad idea. my booty and my phone made it out without a bruise or a scratch, but I landed with stiff arms supporting all of the weight and force of the impact. I couldn't feel my arms for a good 10 minutes after it happened. They felt numb, like they were in shock and so I kept trying to shake it off and regain feeling in them. I stayed in my skates though, determined to keep up a lively attitude for the party and smile through the pain. I skated for a bit more and then it was pizza, cake, and ice cream time. While I was eating, I noticed that every time I tried to bring food to my mouth with my left hand that it was in excruciating pain. Finally towards the end of the night I decided to leave. I had plans to meet with with one of my good friends, Hannah, for drinks before the injury, and so the idea of drowning my pain in alcohol seemed like a perfect plan. I don't drink often, since I am usually pregnant or pumping (I technically could drink while pumping but I hate pouring milk down the drain) so I try to take full advantage of the few short weeks a year that I have to go out with friends and drink before I go on an other 1-2 year dry spell. I always have a good time with Hannah, but I just wasn't feeling it that night. My arms were still in pain and my bed sounded too perfect. I decided to go to the doctor the following day (Friday) and get it checked out. My doctor sent me for an X-ray of my left elbow since that is where the majority of my pain was coming. They got the results that afternoon but it was inconclusive and so my doctor told me to go ahead and be seen by an orthopedic. We called around, but I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday of the following week. So I went on about my business; School, work, mommy-duty, wash cars, clean house, cook, wait for period, plan small family vacation for Easter weekend. By then the pain was less excruciating, but still bothersome, and in both arms now.

 Kayla's Surprise Bday party where I broke my arm =(

The Orthopedic doctor X-rayed both of my arms and then delivered the news that my right forearm was injured and that I needed to be put in a cast. At first it kind of sounds exciting to have a cast on for the first time ever. I am now regretting ever feeling a glimmer of excitement because this shit sucks!! I text Ryan to fill him in on the situation. We were both kind of expecting to hear that nothing was seriously wrong and that it was just a sprain or some bruising, but nope! He called me immediately to see if I was joking (it was April Fools day) and I said 'No, Ryan, I am staring at the X-ray right now and can see the fracture."my doctor overheard me saying this and spun around to tell me "it's not a fracture, you broke you arm and we need to cast it." Womp womp womp =( I knew having my arm put in a cast would put a damper on our vacation, so I squeakily requested to wait for the cast till monday if at all possible, and the doctor looked at me like I was a huge dummy. Maybe I am, but you can't blame a girl for not wanting her bikini body thrown off by a big ugly cast. I mean, I had already gone almost a full week with a broken arm unknowingly, what would a few more days hurt? But I could tell this was not a battle that I could win, and so in the cast my arm went. Plus, the longer I went without a cast, it increased my risk of displacing it even more and making recovery more difficult and longer. Now, if you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I was complaining about my left arm hurting the most, but it is my right arm that is broken and in a cast. This is not a typo or confusion on my part. Both arms are injured, the doctor just said something along the lines of elbows being harder to see on an x-ray or that injuries such as fractures take a few days longer, which just seems weird to me but I am not a doctor so I'm sure he knows what he is talking about. So I have to go back on the 15th for more x-rays on my left arm since it is still in pain, even  more so now that I have to use my left arm for everything while my right arm is in a long-arm-cast. I feel so useless. it sucks. I almost had a mini panic attack the first night because my brain could not calm down and stop thinking about my arm in the cast, itching, sweating, needing to stretch out, going numb in certain positions, being so uncomfortable. I seriously wanted to go all Hulk on it and bust through the cat but I know that is probably not at all possible for me. Plus I'd feel so guilty I would just go get another one put back on.

Also on that dreadful first night in a cast, I started to finally feel crampy. I went to the bathroom and sure enough, had some spotting. I just knew that it meant I would be riding the crimson wave by morning time. It was pretty late at night, so I decided I would just call or text Tori in the morning to give them the good news, but Ryan could not wait. He loves being the first person to know something or tell anyone something so he pulled out his phone at 11 at night and wakes up a sick, sleeping Tori to inform her that Aunt Flow had finally arrived. It only took 2 whole weeks extra than expected, but better late than never, I guess! But seeing as how bad things usually come in threes, I couldn't go in to the clinic for screening because we were headed out to San Antonio for our little family vacation, please Friday was Good Friday, then we had the Easter Holiday, and couldn't get in for an appt until Monday at 2pm. We waited all this time for my period to come so we could get screened, and now that it came, screening would have to wait as well. It's like game of cat and mouse.

So my dominant arm is broken and in a full cast, I am on my period, and we are off to Sea World and Schlitterbahn for vacation. Just my luck. I think my good karma and someone else's bad karma got tangled up and confused on who they were meant for and got the wrong people. But you have to laugh at yourself sometimes, and so I tried my best to make light of the situation. The next morning a woke up and dropped a deuce (I have an impeccable digestive system and so I word like clockwork). I also needed to change my tampon. I figured this would be a great time to request the help of my husband. So I called for him. "Babe, babe I'm done! I need your help!" and then watch him as he stomps into the bathroom, looks at me, sighs, and says "You have got to be fucking kidding me right now." I just laughed and then told him to get out. The look on his face was priceless though. I think he may have actually done it if I needed it. but fortunately I am not that helpless. It is nice to know though that my husband would actually be there for me in that way if I ever potentially needed it. I take it as a sign that I picked a good man to marry. He may be annoying at times. but he is my person. Another comical moment was when I asked Ryan to put my hair into a pony tail. I live in pony tails but not that I can't bend my right arm at all, I can't do my hair by myself. His first time took 5 attempts. I've asked a stranger in the bathroom at my gym to do my hair, as well as my Mother in Law, Frances. Ryan's second attempt ended up looking like the 80's sideways pony tail. Cute, but not at all how I want to be portrayed, seeing as I already look like I am 14. Hopefully he will continue to get better at it as the weeks pass, but I am highly doubtful.

Ryan's 2nd attempt at a regular pony tail turned into and 80's sideways ponytail

We had a great time on vacation. First we went to SeaWorld and spent the day watching the shows, riding rides, and playing in the kid splash and playground area. Then we checked in to the Hilton Palacio del Rio, which was a super nice hotel on the river walk, showered, and walked down and ate at Dick's Last Resort. After a good night's sleep, we went to Schlitterbahn the next day, which I think was Hayden's favorite part of the trip. We spent the day riding the water rides, floating the river, and laying out. (I took a nap.) Since my cast is a long arm one and not a short arm one, the doctor said it could not be done with the waterproof stuff.... I don't know why that would make a difference but whatever, so I had to spend the day with my arm in a big clear plastic glove, which to me looked like a big arm condom, in order to get near the water. Even with all of these seemingly negative aspects of our trip, we all had such an enjoyable time. We returned Friday night, spent Saturday out at the farm, and Easter Sunday at Grandma's. Hayden received a bunch of candy and chocolate treats from the Easter bunny, so I better plan his next checkup with his dentist soon! Tori also got him an Easter basket of goodies, which included and monster truck toy, orange tic tacs, and orange soda. Basically everything Hayden loves. Since we didn't see each other over the busy holiday, she brought his goodies with her to the doctors appt on Monday, which went very very well.

 Hayden Splashing around at Sea World

It was my first time ever going to this clinic, but since they had all already been working with Mikie and Tori for their own IVF, it was very apparent that they were so emotionally invested in our journey. They had already established a relationship almost at the friend level, rather than being distant or business type, which was really nice to see. Tori offered to full out much of my paperwork seeing as my right arm is in the cast, so it would have taken me forever to write the stuff out on my own. once we turned in the paperwork and the receptionist took a picture of me for their records, we were escorted back and I was instructed to leave a urine sample, get my blood drawn (8 tubes, holy moly) and then hop up on the table, naked from the waste down, for my date with the weenie wand. That is what we like to call the vaginal ultrasound device. Since it is my hopes that Tori will be present for most of everything, except for when she is unavailable to take off or if the appointment is a super boring and uneventful one, we pretty much have to get close very quickly. I mean, she's about to see all up in my lady bits during the embryo transfer and monitoring appointments. I was a bit sad at first since my arm is in a cast, it makes it really hard to clean the downstairs area, but I was determined to make a good first impression, and so I tried my hardest and got everything nice and tidy for our appt today. There should be some time of award for being able to shave your hoo-haa with a broken arm in a cast and your non-dominant hand without majorly cutting yourself. Not going to lie, I gave myself a high five for it. and it almost felt like a high five from a stranger since my arm is in a cast and so awkwardly positioned all the time! We wrapped up the appointment with several laughs and eager smiles. So far, our tentative schedule is as follows (I may have some of the dates wrong so bear with me): I have started birth control pills and  I go back on Friday (4/10) at 1:30 to have a saline ultrasound done. Then the doctor will keep me on birth control untill it is time to bleed for a few days and then start the estrace pills. We have our psych evaluation on 4/17 and sometime in between now and then Ryan will have to go in to have his blood drawn for screening. Then I will start progesterone in oil injections into my butt for a few days and then May 14th is transfer day! But again, this is all tentative, and so it may change to be sooner or later, depending on how things go. I am just so excited to get this ball rolling. I cannot wait till transfer day, and then I cannot wait to start peeing on sticks to search for positive pregnancy lines.

 First Screening appt!!

Surro Jade (me, looking super asian) and IM Tori.

Thanks to each and every one of you for all of the well wishes and support. As the saying goes... It takes a village! And I also want to encourage you to be ambassadors for change. Although most of the comments I have received as a surrogate are very compassionate and warm, sometimes I am met with the opposite.There are a rare few who believe that surrogacy is wrong, that those who can't get pregnant on their own the natural way were never meant to be parents, or that God wouldn't approve of it, etc.... I ask you to not go forward and attack their reasoning on the matter, but rather rationally explain and educate them, or simply speak positively about it to others around you so that they may overhear it and begin to understand it with a more open mind. I don't need any justification or approval of others to know that what I am doing is right for me, my family, and Tori and Mikie.But it would definitely make the world a better place if fertility matters were met 100% with warmth and love rather than judgement and criticism or shame. I couldn't be more proud to be a surrogate.

If you want to make God laugh...

Wow.

I feel like it has been forever since I last updated, and it kind of has been a while. That is partly due to the fact that I was first waiting for anything interesting to happen that would warrant creating a post, and then during that time waiting for surrogacy stuff to happen, life happened.

So basically we are not much further along in the process, but some progress has been made. I received the first draft of contracts, reviewed it with my lawyer, made a few teensy weensy changes and sent it back off to Tori and Mikie's lawyer to review. Hopefully we can all give it the green light and get to the signing and notarizing step! Luckily, everything seems to be going very smoothly with the contract part. That is probably due to the fact that this journey is more at the level of friends, versus a journey with perfect strangers. It really makes things easy when you already have an open line of communication so there aren't any crazy surprises that make you run for the hills or make your heart jump in your throat. I know some matches can fall through due to contract issues, so I am happy to say that in this instance contracts are no big deal.

We are all set up to do our psychological evaluation for April 17th. I had already been cleared a few months back and done my MMPI testing (which is a psychological test of adult personality and psychopathology) by the same counselor, but I have to do a real quick update and then Tori and Mikie will have their private session, And then lastly we will all four have a session together (Tori, Mikie, Ryan, and I). Contracts absolutely have to be finalized at least 14 days prior to a transfer, but the psych evaluation does not have the same time constraints. To be on the safe side, the counselor told us she would go ahead and email our surrogacy coordinator nurse at the clinic to let them know I have been evaluated and cleared previously, so this second screenign is more of a formality and to make sure we are doing things by the book.

They say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. God must be rolling on the fluffy, white cloud covered floor of heaven in a fit of laughter then because my period was suppose to arrive around April 19th. That would make me 10 whole days late as of now. PANIC! MAYHEM! PANDEMONIUM! At first I kept telling myself, oh it will show up tonight or tomorrow morning. I've gone almost 6 years now without having any more little 'oops' or accidents. It is seriously not that hard to NOT get pregnant. I'd be damned if it happened the month before I am suppose to get pregnant with someone else's baby. I was 99% certain that I was not pregnant. I've been pregnant before, I know the symptoms and what to look for and I had zero. In fact, I was having all of the normal symptoms of starting my period, such as irritability and breaking out, but without any crimson flow. Just my luck. When you don't want your period to come, it always makes a grand entrance. When you want your period to come, it takes its sweet time. Such is life. Anyways, I decided to try all the trick in the book to jump start aunt flow. One trick I have heard is to megadose on vitamin C. But to do this, I first needed to make sure I was truly not pregnant. I ran to good ol' Walgreen and bought myself a 3 pack of red dye pregnancy tests and immediately went to my sister-in-laws house to pee on them. Her house is sort of becoming the unofficial POAS (short for Pee On A Stick) house. I figured since I have been a high HCG producer in the past, and as already late that if I were pregnant, the line would be clearly visible. So I take the test, wait the required 3 minutes, take a peek, and was satisfied to see that it appeared to be a BFN. Since I share my journey with a FB support group of fellow surrogate and they all knew I was expecting my period, I decided to post a pic of my negative pee stick. to my surprise, instead of them agreeing that it was indeed a BFN, my surro sisters were telling me they saw a squinter! "I think I see a line" "Give it more time to dry and then recheck it", "take a new pic in the natural sunlight" and "Look at it with this filter on the photo" were all the comments I was receiving. So of course my mood flipped from being calm and reassured to HOLY FUCK WHAT IS GOING ON!!! NO NO NO NO NO!! I examined the pee stick in every single room of Kristina's house. Took a million different pictures from different angles, asked for Kristina to look at it with her own eyes, and we both deduced that there did seem to be A line, but it wasn't THE line. Sometimes you eyes can just play cruel tricks on you. When Kristina was trying to get pregnant, she too swore that she saw faint lines on her pee sticks but they were negative. Then there is also something known as an evaporation line, in which a line appears, but it is not always in the correct place where the dye should light up, or its a greyish color, not the pink. I decided to not stress over it and to retest in the morning with some fresh pee. To my relief, there ws absolutely no line whatsoever on the second and 3rd retests, and my surro friends with their super powered surro eyes confirmed that it was indeed probably a fluke and that the following 2 tests definitely looked negative. Phew!

But why am I still not bleeding!? I decided to go to my doctor on Monday and see about getting a prescription for a medication known as Provera. I have had to take it in the past once before due to irregular cycles. I swear, my body is healthy, but sometimes it can just be a little bitch. Excuse my french, but I drop swear words often. So part of getting prescribed Provera pills is that the doctor has to confirm you are not pregnant. Telling them you took at home pregnancy tests and got negatives is not good enough. they need irrefutable proof, so I was sent off for blood work. Everything came back all honky dory, and I picked up my prescription the next day. On top of taking those pills, I also decided to go ahead and put my workouts on hold. I have heard that extreme physical activity can sometimes cause irregular periods, so I would rather miss out on a few days at the gym if it meant my period would finally decide to show her ugly face. There are times in your life when you want the clock to hurry up, and then there are times in your life when you want the clock to just stop ticking or go snail speed. Every day I have wished that the day would not end because it meant another day had passed that I couldn't call up Tori and tell her my period had finally arrived. I hate it. I hate thinking I am being a disappointment or making their hearts freeze in fear. Even though those thoughts have creeped into my head, I have tried to keep them at bay so as not to stress myself out. I know stress can play an important factor in period cycles as well. Man, being a woman is tough! So many factors come into play and have an effect on you. I usually describe myself as a stress-free person. Stress just rolls right off me. Namaste! or maybe it doesn't.... maybe I am just a good faker? Even at faking myself to believe I am not stressed?

I carry a lot of things on my shoulders but I never actually stop to say "OK, help, I am drowning here". Instead I just keep doggy paddling on, trying to catch my breath and saying everything is A-OK. I got this. My mind doesn't feel the weight of the stress, but maybe my MIA period is trying to tell me something. I'm a full time student, work a part time job, and my husband's hours got cut so we are living off of basically half a normal paycheck without all his wonderful overtime pay (oilfield industry.... never thought I'd ask for $3 gas prices to return), have a 5 year old son who participates in some type of sport every season which requires practices and games, shopping for gear, etc. He only attends daycare 3 days a week, which are for the days that I am in school, so my 'off' days I am not really off per se. I am helping my sister in law with her newborn son periodically, babysitting (and getting lots of wonderful snuggles) when she needs to run a few errands, chauffeuring them to doctor appointments, working on an average of 2 papers a week for school, plus a major project, cleaning up after an 85 year old and 5 year old and trying to keep up with the demands of having dinner ready every night like a good little housewife should, although I have admittedly been slacking on the dinners (sorry babe), taking Grandma to get her hair done, which always inevitably ends up taking at least 3 hours out of my day, and to put the cherry on the top of this hot mess, I possibly fractured some part of both my arms  (feels like elbow on left arm and possibly radial or ulnar on my right, I'm not sure) while at a birthday party at a skate rink, so it is off to an orthopedic next week for more xrays and diagnosis. I'm hoping it is nothing serious. Oh, and I was assigned that task of planning a little family vacation for this upcoming weekend. Got it all done, but I am starting to feel drained. And so here I sit, still no period. It is absolutely maddening. I cannot wait to graduate in May and hopefully just be coasting through a pregnancy by then.

It is kind of a weird thing to say.... that pregnancy is calming. Usually when a person gets pregnant is when all hell breaks loose, but to me, pregnancy is the easy part. It is all of the little things that have to be done prior to get there that really piles on the stress. But the growing part is kind of cathartic to me. I'm in my element when I am pregnant. Of course these feelings may change over time as my body gets older and used up, but for now I am relishing in it.

As I mentioned a few sentences earlier, I am going on a little family trip since it is a long weekend due to the Easter holiday. We are taking Hayden to Sea World, staying at a hotel on the River Walk, and then going to Schlitterbahn. I would like to start my period sometime at the beginning of this week so that I can finally go in for screening, but something tells me I should put my money on starting my period while at the water park because that just seems to be how life works. Maybe I need to go put on my nicest panties and white shorts to see if that will coax my period to show, because it obviously has a sick sense of humor.

So that is all for now. Please send me bloody vibes!! Baby Fisher/s said they are getting cold sitting in that freezer at the clinic and can't wait to be in my warm fluffy uterus! Haha!

 The BFN pregnancy test that scared us into thinking it was a BFP,
but it was really just an evap line. Test your eyes... do YOU see anything??

 Our weekly snuggle time with Hutch. Hayden is such a proud cousin

(L) My almost 6 pack, taken right before I quit working out, so now its more like a 1 pack
(R) At the Skate Rink for my sister's 80's themed suprise Bday party where I injured my arms. I was going for the grudge rock look, like K. Stew in the movie The Runaways.

Hurry up and wait

Hello again everyone!

I am trying my best to make sure that I make a new post roughly once a week. Sometimes throughout the journey I may space posts out if there isn't really anything interesting happening, or sometimes I may post more often if there is a lot going on. For now I am just playing it by ear. Also, I am so surprised at the amount of people who have actually read my first blog post, and by all of the loving comments and the overwhelming support. People who I have not seen or talked to in years, people who I only know through the internet, parents of old high school friends who are all taking the time to read/share my blog and come up to me and converse. It is all so cool how technology connects us.

Right now we are still in the contract phase of things. I let Tori and Mikie use my lawyer friend and fellow surrogate friend (she carried triplets in 2013 too so she is pretty much the most amazing person ever!), Simi Denson to represent them, and I am using a lawyer based on Simi's recommendation, Amy Lambert. It feels a bit weird not having Simi as my legal representative this time around because I am so use to her being MY lawyer and so anytime I talk with Tori, I catch myself still saying My lawyer instead of YOUR lawyer in reference to Simi. It is a tough habit to break! Haha. But I feel confident that Simi is going to do a fantastic job at representing them and the whole contract phase will breeze right on by. This is a great example of how carrying for a friend can be the perfect scenario. Sometimes during the contract phase there may be disagreements between surrogates and IPs, and sometimes the disagreements are too difficult to find a compromise and the match ultimately falls through. I have not yet received my first draft of the contract yet, but  it should be any day now that I hear from my lawyer. I expect it to be pretty much perfect since Tori and I already discussed practically everything prior to beginning the legal phase so we are on the same page, coupled with the fact that Simi is involved in the mix and already has a good amount of knowledge of my preferences too since she has represented me once before and is a friend.

I also had to fill out a bunch of health history forms and questionnaires for the IVF clinic, Houston Fertility Institute, and for the FDA. It can be super time consuming and repetitive, but they like to be overly cautious in these matters, which makes sense. I also have to set up an appointment to have blood work done for both me and my husband, as well as a psychological evaluation. They basically want to make sure a person is mentally prepared for all that surrogacy entails. I try not to let too much of my crazy show! Haha, just kidding. For some people, the idea of carrying a baby for 9 months and then giving it away to the IPs can be a difficult thing, but I seem to handle it pretty well. I actually surprised myself by how well I handled the emotional side of things with my first surrogacy. My husband even commented on how I did not cry, not even a single tear, when my surrobaby, Jaden, was born. Nor did I cry in the weeks following the delivery. I balled like a baby when I gave birth to my son, but the birth of my surrobabe was somehow on a different emotional level. The relationship is also more so between me and the intended parents, rather than with any baby that results from a pregnancy. Of course they are cute and cuddly, but the real satisfaction of being a surrogate comes from seeing the look in the parents' eyes as they finally meet their long awaited child. We surros call it "the moment" and it is practically what every surrogate lives for. If it is a good journey with a healthy relationship between the IPs, we do not feel empty or like there is something missing or any sort of loss. I simply feel accomplished and loved in a very unique way. And I definitely expect to feel even more loved in this next journey with Tori and Mikie since we have already had extra time to establish a friendship prior to matching. From here, I expect our relationship to continue to get even closer. Like, super duper close lol. Even though I did not cry at the birth of my first surrobabe, I most likely will cry at the birth of Tori and Mikie's baby girl/girls since we are all so much more emotionally invested. It makes my heart swell just thinking about it!

This past weekend the four of us (Tori, Mikie, Ryan and I) got together for dinner. Even though I have known Tori for roughly a year now, I have never met Mikie due to his busy work schedule. Both were at my sister-in-law's wedding rehearsal dinner, but we sat at opposite ends of the dinner table and therefore did not get to formally meet. Plus, who would have guessed that we would be were we are today! I like to believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I think we discovered our reason lol. Dinner was great! Mikie is hilarious and Tori's laugh is utterly infectious. Tori calls our son her little boyfriend. He is definitely sweet on her. Since we got to the restaurant before Tori and Mikie, Hayden got to pick his seat out and told us he wanted to sit by Miss Tori. When Mikie arrived and sat on the other side of Tori, Hayden was slightly jealous and territorial of her. He's never met Mikie before either (obviously) so the idea of having to share his girlfriend was completely new to him. His facial expressions were priceless. Mikie joked that if his baby came out with any dents in her forehead that he would beat Ryan up and we all busted out laughing. I can imagine how awkward it must be to think about someone in a marriage having "bedroom relations" when they are carrying your baby. Guys often already think it is weird enough to do those things when it is their baby inside their own spouses belly, but add in the fact that it is a surrogacy and it could get uncomfortable. I am just happy that they both had a great sense of humor about it all. Tori also told me that prior to dinner, she kept telling Mikie to change his shirts to something nicer, and he said something along the lines of "We may be trying to put our baby in her, but we aren't trying to actually screw 'em!" Once again, laughter ensued. I wish i had actually remembered to snap a picture of all four of us together. I promise one next time!

I am very anxious and excited to meet their RE doctor too. From the stories Tori tells me, he is very kind and also very funny. She showed him a picture of me and he asked if I was Asian, too. I, indeed, am a quarter Vietnamese. He said he could tell by my eyes, but that they were not as squinty as his! A person who can laugh at themselves is definitely a person I need in my life.

So, to touch on the title of this post, we are hurrying up with all of the required steps, such as legal and clinical work, and then we wait for my monthly cycle to appear, which fortunately won't be too long from now. Once I start my period, I will go in for screening, get my lining checked, and hopefully be sent home with meds and a calendar. I am not the doctor, so I can't be too sure on a time frame, but we are hoping for transfer around the middle to end of April. I was in the Dollar Store yesterday and saw some pregnancy tests on display in the checkout aisle and snapped a pic of them and sent it via text to Tori saying how hard it was to resist the urge to buy all of the tests in preparation for May. I am a Pee-On-A-Stick-oholic! I will likely start taking pregnancy tests on the third day after our transfer and continue to pee up until we have our beta blood drawl. Time is going by so slow it seems. I am ready to be pregnant already with baby Fisher! Until then, I just continue to go about my days; school, work, gym, repeat. It may seem odd that I am working out so often and getting in such good shape when I potentially will be pregnant in a few short months and get "big", but a healthy pregnancy starts before the actual pregnancy, and I hope to be able to continue to lightly workout throughout a pregnancy as well to help make for an easy delivery. Regardless of whether it is a singleton or twins, I hope to have a vaginal delivery. C-sections scare me, although if medically necessary I would not hesitate to have one, because at the end of the day, all that will matter is the safe arrival of their baby girl/girls.

Must. Resist. Urge. To. Buy. All. The. Pregnancy. Tests!

Not Surrogate related, but I just have to brag on my son. A little over a week ago, after I had left for work and before Ryan had made it home from work, our grandmother (known as GG to Hayden) had a fall in the kitchen and busted her face and cut open her hand. Hayden was home alone with her for about 10 -15 minutes until Ryan showed up, and responded so bravely and calmly. He had heard the commotion and came out of his bedroom to find GG on the floor and bleeding profusely. She is on blood thinners, so you can imagine the scene! He immediately came to GG's aide, getting paper towels to apply to the wound and asking her if he should run to the neighbor's house next door (a friend whom mommy often gets help from if GG falls) and get her to come over and help. GG was not comfortable with him leaving the house alone, so he then brought her the phone to call for help. She asked him for the phone book too (don't ask me why she didn't just call 911, she "didn't want to make a big fuss" even though she clearly needed medical attention) but Hayden doesn't exactly know what a phone book is, so he brought her a bible! She said "No, Hayden, the book next to GG's chair" so he goes back and brings her a second, smaller bible. Luckily it wasn't too long before Ryan arrived home and they called 911 and the Fire Department and ambulance arrived within minutes. The Fire Department was particularly proud of Hayden for remaining calm during the crisis and providing as much help to GG as he could. They decided to award him a medal and certificate as an Honorary Junior Fire Fighter and let us tour the station and fire truck, as well as providing us with a hot dog dinner. It was super sweet and Hayden was so excited. He asked to sleep with his medal on tonight. I had to tell him no, since it may be a choking hazard, so he now has it on his bedside table and also asked for permission to bring it to daycare tomorrow to show all of his friends and teachers. And so that is my Proud Mommy Moment of the week!

Also not surrogacy related, but my sweet little nephew is one week old now, and I am dying from his cuteness. I still can't believe he is here and not still in his mommy's tummy! He was smiling for the picture with me, so he obviously already loves his Aunt Jade!

That is pretty much all that I have to update on for now! Pretty soon the real fun starts: injections with huge needles and thick oil based medicines, fluctuating hormones, and transfer day! Wish us luck! We need all that we can get!